http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums.html Gotpoetry - News for poets. Place to write. en-us Mon, 13 Oct 2008 11:25:10 GMT 1440 CPG-Nuke Dragonfly GotPoetry.com Forums http://backend.userland.com/rss http://www.gotpoetry.com./images/autoheader/logo-slogan.gif http://www.gotpoetry.com./ http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139786.html#139786 hey, you only mentioned one champagne first time... Mon, 13 Oct 2008 11:25:10 GMT http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139785.html#139785 interesting JDB . Mon, 13 Oct 2008 10:45:23 GMT http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139784.html#139784 yes Kensai , it takes years for a child to become old enough to take up a professsion , even that of a soldier . It takes many more countless years to get over the loss , you are so right . Please spell check the poem before you post , it distracts the reader from a perfectly reasonably okay poem . Mon, 13 Oct 2008 10:41:25 GMT http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139783.html#139783 Saaaaaaaul the philosopher ! Hey great truths , bitter and sweet . I do not want to offer suggestions or changes on something like this . Whoa ! Heavy ! Mon, 13 Oct 2008 10:37:52 GMT http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139778.html#139778 this is cool! there's enough craziness here to make you smile when you read it... few things are mildly annoying, mostly the goofy ~ signs (this NOT this web site's official position on ~, the views expressed here are strictly mine....LOL), but overall an enjoyable read! i'll have to think long and hard before offering a re-write suggestion, mostly because this piece has spontaniety that i would not want to kill with a calculated write Mon, 13 Oct 2008 08:40:36 GMT http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139777.html#139777 thank you, alana! yes, the lights refer to the holiday season... Mon, 13 Oct 2008 08:30:04 GMT http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139773.html#139773 love this piece and love its choppiness. i am not sure any parts should be cut, to me they all add something to the charachter created here, his perceptions about the community and individuals, and lead up to the conclusion in the final stanza. some of the changes i'd do are minor, mainly to improve the form. so to answer your questions: 1. choppiness works for me; 2. community seems mildly hostile, mostly aloof - there's only one line that direcltly depicts the neighbours' actions and a couple of lines that show their inaction; 3. i think i understand your struggle with S5. it is there to tie the first and the second parts together, sort of a "bridge". the allegory is there, the way i see it, about life's complexity, even in a small town of Nebraska. things are not simple for the character here and it leads up to the explanation about how the bull stud fees affected his life and why he is with Sarrah when he really wants to dance with another woman. i'd leave it unchanched, for the most part. here's my suggested re-write to use or lose: I want to dance on your lawn. The flowers, the ones you put in last spring, I’ll avoid where I can, though they grow in chaotic profusion. The spot I have in mind where we buried the bull-calf, holds little now. Some bind weed and lambs quarter. To you, a gardener, bare soil is promising. But my daddy was a cow man - I don’t see the rich loam, only smell the hoof rot. The last calves are gone now, sold to slaughter, so spare time does me poorly. I’m sure you never thought my life would take on so much killing. Sometimes you look at me like I’m a changeling for my father, and my daddy was a cow man. Western Nebraska is not where hippies go to ground though most of us did and you knew, even when we met, that we would too. Your hollyhocks don’t grow in rows. They intertwine with daisies, coreopsis and forget-me-nots. You know the neighbors look away, but you blame them. Though no one ever told me to cut my hair or go to church. You didn’t know, but Bill lost stud fees that first year when he lent us his bull. Sure, he’d known my mama, but hair or no hair, he wasn’t going to let the neighbor kid go down for lack of semen. Sarah told me last year if they’d gotten those god damned stud fees my hand wouldn’t be in her dress and you’d be running an incense store in Chadron. But my fingers stayed where they were. Perhaps tonight. The moon nearly full, your body still warm with sleep. I’ll wake you and we’ll dance on the lawn. I won’t wait because I know what happens to bare earth when the rain comes. And even old hippies don’t dance in the mud. Mon, 13 Oct 2008 08:09:00 GMT http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139741.html#139741 This was nice. Thanks for the read! Sun, 12 Oct 2008 21:37:48 GMT http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139738.html#139738 what is a Japanese moon , is it any different from a China moon or US moon ? why do you say "two and fro " , instead of " to and fro " , was it an intentional play of words ? who is Jackie Chan's dumb cohort by the way ? his own shadow ? I think Jakie Chan is a genius , and has a real good sense of humor. It is very difficult to make people laugh. And he does that rather well . Anyway back to the poem, why do occidents have any limitations but in the mind? And is training not supposed to overcome that ? I mean everyting is more in the mind , so to speak ! what do you think Loisseau ? Sun, 12 Oct 2008 20:56:19 GMT http://www.gotpoetry.com./Forums/viewtopic/p=139736.html#139736 I love all of them , especially because they paint such exceptional pictures . I feel sorry for the duck and think the cow is really really wicked to watch while it chews the cud , grrr. And the leaf on the windshield , is such a stubborn one to be able to hitch hike despite the winds blowing onto the windshield . Hey , Xavier , why was the man doing that in the first one ? I mean he could have worn a raincoat or held an umbrella , and why did no one offer him a ride to where ever ? Sun, 12 Oct 2008 20:41:48 GMT